God's grace is more than sufficient for me

hmmm this thing that i'm about to share is something personal. but i'd like to share it so that you'd know that i'm not all there. i have my weaknesses as well. and this is my testimony for the glory of God.

i went out recently (on wed in fact) with my two precious darlings denise and lydia. well a brief history is that recently i had been feeling very jealous. very left out on many occasions. and i felt extremely unloved by even my two "best friends". since a couple of months back, insecurity hit me real hard. and i noe now that i didn't have to go through all that but i allowed the devil to plant thoughts. and the more he planted the more i believed that they were my feelings. so actually alot had passed and i thought i was ok already cos alot was better. but as we went to watch a movie i had a feeling of dejavu with this disgusting insecurity. disgusting is just a nice way of putting it.

so i went home and i actually felt so insecure. that i just wanted to blabber it all out on my com but guess what. my com screen broke down so i couldn't use my com! wad a day. (actually it wasn't a bad day it was good until i felt that gross feeling again) so i had to use my "dear daddy diary" which i haven't been using. as i read my entries while listening to music on the shuffle tears just came to my eyes until i was practically bawling. and i felt so fake so unreal. when i wrote in my diary about some situations, i felt that i wasn't being real when i looked back, cos i just tried to comfort myself everytime but God was always there to meet me.

well so i flipped to a new page. let me be real here (after all this IS my blog), and as i drenched sheets after sheets of tissue paper, i wrote what i really felt. i was lonely. i was sad. i was scared that slowly i was dying inside. that the real me was running away from me. i was scared of losing the bubbly me, the crazy outgoing person that i was. i felt lost in a whirl of being the old me, of being lonely of being broken. ever felt like you were holding on tightly to something and couldn't let go being so afraid?

but God's restoration is ABOVE creation. i told God, "i don't care anymore. i have no strength left. if you want, YOU chase me." if grace is really God doing everything and i don't do anything, good. cos i'm not going to do anything. God You do it. and i let go of the rope. through that night i just knew that God's hands were right below the rope that i was clinging so tight to. that if i let go, i'd be safe. but i couldn't let go til i finally did, i thought my whole world came crashing down. i'm not exaggerating. it was THAT bad.

now i'm proud to say God met me. God came directly to where i was, and loved me. During bs, my own time with Him, God just restored me and restored me. i didn't go to Him. He came to me. now that's grace. and during bs, pastor just said that whatever we were going through just lift it to God and it was so apt for me. i told God (come to think of it without even a bit of shame lol), YOU be my strength, my security. and i can say He has. now all i want in my life is to glorify Him.

i've never experienced grace so much before. it sucks that it had to hurt but i've come to know that my God can be depended on. and that i don't have to convince myself that He loves me, but when i become real with Him, He becomes real to me.

Grace is really all about God doing and us just resting. Even if we threw our cares out into the deep, God will still fetch it back and hold it in His hand and and love you and deal with the care for you. i want with all the days of my life to experience this kind of grace DAILY and being aware of the grace that sees me through each and every day. i want my life to overflow this kind of amazing grace.

tonight i was just talking to immanuel about God and i couldn't help but feel like a girl in love. Jesus put a smile on my face!